I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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