actually, I'm a sock model
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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