I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
