what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
