Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We are two peas in an std pod
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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