i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we're so committed to being not committed
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
