i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
