Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
