I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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