i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
