Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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