Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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