i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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