Please don't use social media to get back at me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
