How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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