My first STD was from a foam party
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
