Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
