My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
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"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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