I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
