Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
