I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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