it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
