He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
