When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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