He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
