It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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