You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
