i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
