Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
