you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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