my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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