I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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