Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
