Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
