his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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