genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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