Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
