Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
