maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
