Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
