I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
