Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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