I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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