We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
