I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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