I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
