so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
