Even the bartender felt bad for me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
