Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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