Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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