I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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