I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
