I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
