Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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