I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
