I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
