so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
