just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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