theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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