DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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