it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
