Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
