We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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